"Love takes hostages, gives them pain; gives someone the power to hurt you again and again."

Ephesians 4:26- "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." 4:29- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 4:31-32- "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you."

The past few months or so, I have been so filled and joyful in the Holy Spirit and in the constant blessings of the Lord. So assured in His goodness and in His plan that I haven't even had time to be upset or irritated. I've let things roll off my back and done everything I can to keep myself at His feet, surrendered to His will. But the above verses depict exactly the struggle I've been under the past few days in my relationship with people, and therefore with the Lord.

Over Mini Tour for UCO, one of my close friends did something that severely upset and angered me. Not only did I walk away fuming and say something I didn't mean to a mutual friend of ours, but I let the sun go down on my anger, and let it fester for days. I never spoke with him about it, I just acted bitterly toward him and acted as if our friendship didn't matter to me- completely cold, completely shut off, put up a wall between us that is never something the two of us have dealt with. I think it was through this instance that my downfall these past few days began. I suddenly [or maybe not so suddenly, I don't know] feel lonely, like the Lord is no longer my center... It's interesting to find myself here in this place. I've spent so long doing all I can to bring God to my absolute center, and to rid myself of so many things that will ultimately keep me there, and one sinful act- one act of rage and frustration makes everything crash. Even though I forgave and apologized to my friend, I still feel this lingering discontent, and a loneliness that I haven't experienced in quite sometime because the Lord feels so absent from my heart right now.

I had a conversation with Miss Kelly's mom over the weekend we were blessed to spend at her house about how being left out is hands down the absolute worst feeling in the world. I'm pretty sure I'd have to agree with that statement. And in feeling lonely, I also feel left out... Isn't that odd? I feel so disconnected from people and from my relationships that I begin to feel left out. And in the last few weeks of school, I truly don't want to feel that at all. I mean, honestly I never want to be so far from the Lord that I feel alone.

So in the coming days, my goal is to be entirely immersed in the Word. In the times when I feel alone, or when my friends don't invite me to things and I actually am left out and alone, I will draw near to my God. Because for all I know, He's preparing these situations and pulling my friends away from me so that I may bring myself closer to Him! In fact, that's probably the more likely circumstance.

God, I hope and pray that I remain committed to this goal and that You would come closer to this broken heart. God, I know that you are more than able to make this a reality and I pray that you would just be evident in my life as you have been in the past. Amen.


"Love is Hard" -James Morrison.
Ephesians 4

"Each and every time I turn around to leave, I feel my heart begin to burst."

Praise the Lord for change, and in particular, for changes of the heart.

In the past two days I've had two moments where I would have normally expected myself to react differently. One of them being a run-in with my ex-boyfriend. Normally, awkward tension or happenings end up throwing me for a loop; I overanalyze and overthink every word said. I wonder what I could have done differently. I sit and think about if THIS conversation is going to end up bringing us back together, if he's thinking the same things I am. I let little, tiny events fester until they absolutely explode in my brain until I end up unloading on someone close to me about it. On top of that, I had a dear friend of mine come and tell me that she needed to apologize for a few things said about me behind my back. My first instinct was to get defensive; to get upset with her, to blow up, to cry hysterically. But in both instances, none of my first "instincts" took over. I walked away from both events feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and peace- an understanding that I've never before felt. I laughed about the first awkward moment with said ex-boyfriend, and I hugged it out with my best friend and told her that I understood and forgave her; in both circumstances, no hard feelings, no awkward tension, no nothing!

I can't help but blame all of that on the Lord. It's so funny, for the past week I've been praying that the Lord give me a tender heart, because I've felt like it's just been hardened by recent events. And then, God proves his goodness not one, but two times in two days. I mean, He proves it ALL the time, but especially through these two experiences He's really worked through me, and I'm thankful that I am able to realize that and not take for granted the constant work that He's doing in my heart. It is amazing to be able to pour out His love on others when He is so abundantly pouring it out on us, is it not?!


"Melt My Heart to Stone" -Adele.
Hosea 6:1-3

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades."

Holy cow. I am positive that my heart has not been this full in at least two years.

I am so incredibly amazed at the way the Lord blesses His people! I don't know what is it, but I have just felt God's presence around me and my friends in SUCH an abundance these past couple days that it is positively inexplainable...

To give a little background, for the past few months, I've been really doubting different aspects of my faith. Not my faith as a whole [although, doubting in my faith, even in small ways can be considered doubting completely], but nooks and crannies of it that I just have felt like have been prayed about and prayed about some more with no answers and no peace. But my great friend Danielle came and visited this week, and I don't know what happened, but God in His perfect timing just answered so many of my prayers. I truly haven't felt this close to the Lord's arms in an incredibly long time. I am just in absolute awe of how He puts situations, people, and answers to prayer in our lives at JUST the right time. In HIS perfect timing. I truly can't believe I ever doubted Him..! I suppose it's because I'm human, but I just am so overwhelmed by the way it feels to be so close to God's heart and will for my life.

Good Friday and Easter were huge eye-openers for me. Danielle, Kat and I watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday after the service we went to, and I'd never seen it before. I absolutely wept through the entire movie. I found myself saying "Stop!" aloud so, so many times... Seeing, rather than just reading out of my bible or hearing it spoken, what they did to my precious Jesus... It was just an absolutely horrifying, yet humbling experience. More than anything though, that movie made me desire so much more to share the love of Christ with the people around me who don't know Him; My mom, my dad, my Grandma, my brother... What would they think if they saw what Jesus went through to prove His love for them? If they could not only hear or read, but see the sacrifice God made for them so that they may have a relationship with our perfect Lord... What a thought...

I just pray that one day God provides the perfect moment, circumstance and time for me to fully share His will and story with them... That I could be a light for Him so that they may experience the same love and closeness that I feel to His heart. And I trust that in HIS timing, these situations will arise.


"From the Inside Out" -Hillsong.
Romans 10:13

"Oh, to see my name written in the wounds, for through Your suffering, I am free.

Right now, it's 2:34 AM and my eyelids are extremely heavy. My eyes are watering, and I'm practically yawning my face off, but I am absolutely restless, so I figured I'd share a quick [or maybe not so quick] thought.

Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean, does the Lord truly put every single little thing that happens in our lives there for one reason or another? My friends would say yes. My bible says yes. But I wonder. I mean, in the smallest sense of this situation possible, does every text message I get from someone REALLY matter? I mean, how does the Lord have control over that? I fully believe and trust that He has control over my life; over His plan for me. But the little things... The ones that grate on someone and that never seem to fully resolve themselves, even with prayer... Where does all of that fit into the "everything happens for God's reason" way of life?

I suppose this is all coming from a few conversations I've had with one choice person in my life within the past few months. These particular conversations have left me completely confused and lost, and through nearly four months of praying about it, I feel like I'm still hanging out at square one. I've heard it said a thousand times in my three-year walk with God now; "You may not see the reasoning for everything He does til YEARS down the road!"... Which is fine. I can deal with that. I guess I just hate the guessing game. I hate the not-knowing, hurting, completely-lost-out-of-your-mind game.

Through writing this [ah, yes; the beauty of writing down your thoughts!], I am realizing that perhaps the chaos God is putting in my life is just one of His ways of teaching me to draw closer to Him always. Perhaps it's a lesson in trust? To trust that He is sovereign, and that His reasoning for things rarely lines up with the ways I believe issues in my life should be reasoned with. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that yes, He DOES have control over every little sideways glance, or awkward conversation, or even every little miniscule text message. Hmm... My mind is beginning to tire now...

I guess I have no idea how to end this except to say that I have learned a lesson tonight- God works in SO many ways, and through SO many different situations. He is constantly working... Perhaps tonight is the first time I've begun to grasp that idea. And for that, I praise Him.


"The Power of the Cross." -UCO.
Psalm 9:10

"He is my light, my strength, my song."

Ah, yes. Back in California for the rest of the semester, and for the first time since I started school here, I have mixed feelings about it. Break ended up being amazing; the Lord is SO faithful when we express our frustrations and hurt to him. He just takes the most dreary situations and makes them opportunities to bless and revel in who He is... What an incredible God we serve!

On my flight home, I began thinking about how quickly relationships with people can begin and end. The thought entered my mind as I sat on the plane back to Seattle for break reading The Shack. For those of you who don't know, it's a fictional book detailing the story of a man whose young daughter is murdered, and how that affects incredibly negatively his relationship with the Lord. The story then leads him to the shack where his daughter was killed, and there the Lord reveals Himself to Mack [the main character]. So far, it's been an amazing read and I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, the woman sitting next to me politely asked me how I was enjoying it, and I told her that I was having trouble keeping from crying, in all honesty. The author breaks down so many of the inhibitions and "rules" that Christians put on God, and I told her that I was being blessed by it so much. From there, she asked me about my life- if Seattle was home, or if California was home, about school, about choir. She, in essence, learned a ton about me and who I am in a two hour flight. In turn, she told me about herself, she actually goes to church in Corona, loves the Lord, and went to a private Christian college as well. But upon walking off the plane, I realized that I never even learned her name.

On the way back to California after break, I was sitting in my aisle seat, and the man sitting in the window seat looked past the middle person and asked me how I was enjoying the very same book. We had a short conversation about it, and even chatted about how the author wrote- the man suggested I download the iTunes version, because there's a short spoken portion at the end from the author himself, and he said it was fascinating to hear the man behind the story talk about it. But both times the beverage cart rolled by, the man ordered himself a scotch on the rocks, and then went back to his laptop... The woman behind me asked me a similar question about the book, and again, I never learned either of their names.

Thinking back to the conversations I had, I realize was blessed to have gotten to sit by two Christians and openly speak about the Lord. But I began to wonder; am I constantly striving to be a light? What if I hadn't gotten to sit by followers of Christ and had the person next to me ask me about the book? How would I have reacted to speaking God's perfect name in front of a non-believer? Would I have accepted the challenge and openly expressed the story's plot line, or sunken back into my comfort zone? And then I wondered; are my actions always those that reflect that of a follower of Christ? I mentioned that the man sitting next to me decided to have a few drinks on the flight, yet proclaimed the name of the Lord... Is that contradictory? Does that not give off the vibe to non-Christians that we, as a group of believers, can be hypocritical? I guess more than anything, I've begun to understand the importance of being a light, and the importance of continually striving toward that. There are so many ways and opportunities to relay the message of the Lord- one of the professors here says often;

"Profess the gospel always; if necessary, use words."
What a thought! From here on out, I pray that God begins to teach me to be a light- that everywhere I go I would exude His love and that I would be put on this earth to serve Him and be a blessing. That I would be consecrated- set apart- from the darkness of this world. Praise GOD that He has given himself to us, that He may live in us, and we in Him!


"In Christ Alone" -Anthony Evans.
Matthew 5:16

"A moment, a love. A dream, a laugh. A kiss, a cry."

Oh, home.

Ha. I'm not even sure how to begin writing on this topic. This place is such a dichotomy of feeling and emotion the entire time I spend here. I am in love with the majority of my family. My sister, brother and I grow closer with every single minute spent together. My nieces and nephews absolutely bring me more sincere happiness than I can ever truly imagine. My grandma is one of my all-time favorite people; she's pretty much me, but like, fifty years older. And to top it all off, my aunt is visiting from India. I have so many things to see joy in. So much to revel in and enjoy, and yet I find myself discouraged the remainder of the time.

My parents, though both people that I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life, are tough to deal with. My mom and I don't have anything resembling a "normal" mother/daughter relationship. Which is fine. I've truly come to terms with it. But it does begin to get a little wearing after a few days of the same thing. My dad, on the other hand, tends to not even bother. He just doesn't bother to even try spending time with me. Which, again, is fine. I promise it is. I've learned from all of this over the years that the relationship I have with my parents will be absolutely nothing like the one I have with my own children. And some part of me believes that, even though I don't have examples of good parenting in my own parents themselves, I've learned more out of that than I would have if I'd gotten the ideal parental units.

Most importantly, however, I've learned especially this break, the importance of relying entirely on the Lord for everything. It's something I've struggled with in my walk with Him because in all honesty, I've never had anyone to rely on before I knew the Lord. I relied on myself, I dealt with my problems on my own, I kept everything inside and I swallowed it into absolutely nothingness until it "went away". I never got a lesson on trusting God with everything. I'd only ever trusted myself. It has only been this past year that I have fully understood what it means to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. What a blessing that is! To KNOW that the God of the universe wants to deal with my problems, and not leave me alone to deal with them on my own! This probably sounds redundant to those of you who read this, but God's peace and the understanding that HIS path is the ONLY path has beyond blessed me so far this week. And what a thought; our trust in the Lord goes hand-in-hand with His path for us, which, if we are constantly striving to follow, gives us ultimate and unwaivering peace; that which passes all understanding.

Thank you, amazing Lord, for your provision and for your incredible and perfect paths for each and every one of your children. For peace. For patience and love that pours out on us all the time, which in turn gives us the ability to love those around us, even when it seems impossible. And God, thank you for home. For the way that you stretch me when I'm here, but also for the way that you comfort me in the understanding of your perfect plan. Amen, amen, amen!


"Sweet Disposition" -The Temper Trap.
Philippians 4:7

"His love never fails, the prayers of the righteous availeth much."

Quick post;

I am overwhelmed tonight by God's incredible grace, and in the convictions He gives us to not only grow closer to Him, but grow closer to our fellow believers as a body of Christ. What a blessing!

God, thank you for people. For community. For making me someone with emotion and for making me see my fault. Thank you for the ability to correct it, and for the HOPE that you bring in your plan. God, you are SO faithful, and I am absolutely undeserving of your love.

Praise Him.


"Prayers of the Righteous" -Israel and New Breed.
Proverbs 27:17

"You are my EVERYTHING, and I WILL adore you."

I often sit awake at night thinking of you. It's rather unfortunate, because unlike so many of the people in my life that have blessed me, you've done the opposite so many times. You've broken my trust. You've broken my spirit; my confidence; my heart. And yet, I sit here, awake at night, thinking of you.

What on EARTH am I doing? The Lord has blessed me so abundantly, in my life; my schooling; my friendships; my very being. And I look past all of that to you. I place my eyes just enough above all that the Lord has done for me to see past; to you. You; created faultless; fearfully; wonderfully, just as I was created. You; who is just as susceptible to the temptation of sin as I am. You; who knows me better than anyone in the world. You. I sit at night, thinking of you.

No longer. I'm done looking past God's blessings, His anointing, His grace, His LOVE, His plan for my life. You will no longer captivate my thoughts. Instead, I will lay awake at night thinking of my Savior. He whom I can look to always for answers. For trust. For confidence. For heart; for love. He who created me faultless, but who forgives me when I stray from Him. He who gives me strength to resist temptation, but who loves me just the same when I fall short. He... Who knows my every THOUGHT, my every move, my every action. Who knows me even better than you do.

Jesus, I'm done living for others. I'm done turning my head. I'm done spending my thoughts on anything but you. I love you.


"Revelation Song" -Anthony Evans.
1 Corinthians 2:9

"A feather in my hand, a flower in your hair."

It's funny sometimes how thoughts get started. Like, for instance; the other day I was having a conversation with someone who will remain unnamed, and she mentioned wanting Jello. Well, if we're being honest [which I think we should at all times], I detest Jello. You see, I'm a texture person, and the texture of Jello plain ol' creeps me out. So, I began thinking; "Sick. I hate Jello... I also hate being sick... I wonder if this cough I've got is ever going to go away?... Speaking of cough, I should call my sister and see how my niece is doing, she was sick not too long ago..." And then in all of my nostalgia, I said aloud, "I can't BELIEVE Abby is SIX YEARS OLD!" directly after my friend's desire for Jello had been spoken. Needless to say, she looked at me inquisitively and said, "WHAT?! WHERE did that COME FROM!?" In yet another instance, my roommate mentioned wanting to watch the movie Juno [one of my top five favorites of all time, in case you were wondering], and again, my inner monologue began; "JUNO! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" Cue quoting of said movie in my head; "'Sorry, I'm calling on my hamburger phone...' 'No, It's Morgan Freeman, have any bones that need collecting?...' 'I'm gonna kick that Bleeker kid in the weiner next time I see him...' 'Honest to blog?!...'" etc., etc., etc., and in the span of my daydreamquoting, I thought, "Huh, blogging. Could be interesting..." which, ladies and gentlemen, is how this blessed miracle came to be [yet another Juno quote, if you caught it].

In any case, I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that any given little spec of insignificant nothing can get my brain a' goin', if you know what I mean. My best friend, Elizabeth, mentioned the other day that in her ISP Training, she and her teammates took some sort of personality quiz to decide whether they're "feelers" or "thinkers". The majority of her teammates are feelers. They listen to their hearts and decide how to deal with things based on how they feel, or on how what they decide will ultimately effect their relationships with people around them. Elizabeth, however, is a thinker. She's my everything-is-black-and-white, clear-and-concise, to-the-point best friend. Liz searches for truth constantly and doesn't always give other "emotional people" [AKA; feelers] credit where credit is due because, well, they're emotional. As I'm sure you could have already assumed, my mind was racing throughout this conversation, wading through my personality and picking out traits in an attempt to decide which side of the fence I fell on. When I said to her, "Dude, I have NO idea which one I am", she said, "Oh, girl, you're a thinker. We're alike in that sense, I think", and we left it at that.

But upon more careful consideration [and much, much more thinking about it later], I decided that I am probably the ultimate [for lack of a better word] combination of both feeler and thinker. I LOVE people. Seriously. And I care more about the people around me than is probably healthy. Seriously. My family means everything to me. Yes, cliche, blah blah, I know. But I mean it. I don't have the greatest "family life" per say, but, in the words of Jason Mraz, "I would do, oh, anything" for them. Same with my friends. I have the best friends in the world. Mean it. I could go on forever listing names of friends and qualities about them that make them SO GREAT, but I mean, you'd get bored, let's be honest. I'm just saying though, I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and when I do stupid things that could potentially effect my relationships with them, I'm hurtin'. So, in that sense, I'm a feeler. I'll do "oh, anything" to fix things; make whatever decision necessary to ensure that my friendships and relationships with family members don't wither for any reason.

But alas, I am too, a thinker [in case you hadn't grasped that just yet]. I don't like the fuzzy, in-between, no-answer-yet stages of life. I'm not always the most lovey-dovey, emotional person that the typical "feeler" is. I search for truth, constantly. And more than that, I seek truth constantly. The same couldn't be said for me a few years ago, but now... I know black from white, right from wrong, and I THINK about it ALL. THE. TIME... Seriously.

I guess the point of this here first blog of mine is to show everyone who gives two sneezes about reading it that I am an emotional, thinking, crazy, sarcastic, LOVING individual who sometimes just needs a little venting or contemplating room. I'm not telling you this so you expect great things out of my writings. In fact, I'd say this is more of an outlet for me than it is going to be something for all of you to enjoy reading... But, I think [ha.] that it's time I started writing things down. Keeping notes of all of the gobbledygook that goes on up here. In my head. Whether it be funny, deep, spiritual, musical, or just plain ridiculous, I'm gonna start keeping track. Right here.

Blessings.


"Do You Know Me?" -John Mayer.
2 Corinthians 10:5-6