Ephesians 4:26- "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." 4:29- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 4:31-32- "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you."
The past few months or so, I have been so filled and joyful in the Holy Spirit and in the constant blessings of the Lord. So assured in His goodness and in His plan that I haven't even had time to be upset or irritated. I've let things roll off my back and done everything I can to keep myself at His feet, surrendered to His will. But the above verses depict exactly the struggle I've been under the past few days in my relationship with people, and therefore with the Lord.
Over Mini Tour for UCO, one of my close friends did something that severely upset and angered me. Not only did I walk away fuming and say something I didn't mean to a mutual friend of ours, but I let the sun go down on my anger, and let it fester for days. I never spoke with him about it, I just acted bitterly toward him and acted as if our friendship didn't matter to me- completely cold, completely shut off, put up a wall between us that is never something the two of us have dealt with. I think it was through this instance that my downfall these past few days began. I suddenly [or maybe not so suddenly, I don't know] feel lonely, like the Lord is no longer my center... It's interesting to find myself here in this place. I've spent so long doing all I can to bring God to my absolute center, and to rid myself of so many things that will ultimately keep me there, and one sinful act- one act of rage and frustration makes everything crash. Even though I forgave and apologized to my friend, I still feel this lingering discontent, and a loneliness that I haven't experienced in quite sometime because the Lord feels so absent from my heart right now.
I had a conversation with Miss Kelly's mom over the weekend we were blessed to spend at her house about how being left out is hands down the absolute worst feeling in the world. I'm pretty sure I'd have to agree with that statement. And in feeling lonely, I also feel left out... Isn't that odd? I feel so disconnected from people and from my relationships that I begin to feel left out. And in the last few weeks of school, I truly don't want to feel that at all. I mean, honestly I never want to be so far from the Lord that I feel alone.
So in the coming days, my goal is to be entirely immersed in the Word. In the times when I feel alone, or when my friends don't invite me to things and I actually am left out and alone, I will draw near to my God. Because for all I know, He's preparing these situations and pulling my friends away from me so that I may bring myself closer to Him! In fact, that's probably the more likely circumstance.
God, I hope and pray that I remain committed to this goal and that You would come closer to this broken heart. God, I know that you are more than able to make this a reality and I pray that you would just be evident in my life as you have been in the past. Amen.
"Love is Hard" -James Morrison.
Ephesians 4
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