"Love takes hostages, gives them pain; gives someone the power to hurt you again and again."

Ephesians 4:26- "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." 4:29- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 4:31-32- "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you."

The past few months or so, I have been so filled and joyful in the Holy Spirit and in the constant blessings of the Lord. So assured in His goodness and in His plan that I haven't even had time to be upset or irritated. I've let things roll off my back and done everything I can to keep myself at His feet, surrendered to His will. But the above verses depict exactly the struggle I've been under the past few days in my relationship with people, and therefore with the Lord.

Over Mini Tour for UCO, one of my close friends did something that severely upset and angered me. Not only did I walk away fuming and say something I didn't mean to a mutual friend of ours, but I let the sun go down on my anger, and let it fester for days. I never spoke with him about it, I just acted bitterly toward him and acted as if our friendship didn't matter to me- completely cold, completely shut off, put up a wall between us that is never something the two of us have dealt with. I think it was through this instance that my downfall these past few days began. I suddenly [or maybe not so suddenly, I don't know] feel lonely, like the Lord is no longer my center... It's interesting to find myself here in this place. I've spent so long doing all I can to bring God to my absolute center, and to rid myself of so many things that will ultimately keep me there, and one sinful act- one act of rage and frustration makes everything crash. Even though I forgave and apologized to my friend, I still feel this lingering discontent, and a loneliness that I haven't experienced in quite sometime because the Lord feels so absent from my heart right now.

I had a conversation with Miss Kelly's mom over the weekend we were blessed to spend at her house about how being left out is hands down the absolute worst feeling in the world. I'm pretty sure I'd have to agree with that statement. And in feeling lonely, I also feel left out... Isn't that odd? I feel so disconnected from people and from my relationships that I begin to feel left out. And in the last few weeks of school, I truly don't want to feel that at all. I mean, honestly I never want to be so far from the Lord that I feel alone.

So in the coming days, my goal is to be entirely immersed in the Word. In the times when I feel alone, or when my friends don't invite me to things and I actually am left out and alone, I will draw near to my God. Because for all I know, He's preparing these situations and pulling my friends away from me so that I may bring myself closer to Him! In fact, that's probably the more likely circumstance.

God, I hope and pray that I remain committed to this goal and that You would come closer to this broken heart. God, I know that you are more than able to make this a reality and I pray that you would just be evident in my life as you have been in the past. Amen.


"Love is Hard" -James Morrison.
Ephesians 4

"Each and every time I turn around to leave, I feel my heart begin to burst."

Praise the Lord for change, and in particular, for changes of the heart.

In the past two days I've had two moments where I would have normally expected myself to react differently. One of them being a run-in with my ex-boyfriend. Normally, awkward tension or happenings end up throwing me for a loop; I overanalyze and overthink every word said. I wonder what I could have done differently. I sit and think about if THIS conversation is going to end up bringing us back together, if he's thinking the same things I am. I let little, tiny events fester until they absolutely explode in my brain until I end up unloading on someone close to me about it. On top of that, I had a dear friend of mine come and tell me that she needed to apologize for a few things said about me behind my back. My first instinct was to get defensive; to get upset with her, to blow up, to cry hysterically. But in both instances, none of my first "instincts" took over. I walked away from both events feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and peace- an understanding that I've never before felt. I laughed about the first awkward moment with said ex-boyfriend, and I hugged it out with my best friend and told her that I understood and forgave her; in both circumstances, no hard feelings, no awkward tension, no nothing!

I can't help but blame all of that on the Lord. It's so funny, for the past week I've been praying that the Lord give me a tender heart, because I've felt like it's just been hardened by recent events. And then, God proves his goodness not one, but two times in two days. I mean, He proves it ALL the time, but especially through these two experiences He's really worked through me, and I'm thankful that I am able to realize that and not take for granted the constant work that He's doing in my heart. It is amazing to be able to pour out His love on others when He is so abundantly pouring it out on us, is it not?!


"Melt My Heart to Stone" -Adele.
Hosea 6:1-3

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades."

Holy cow. I am positive that my heart has not been this full in at least two years.

I am so incredibly amazed at the way the Lord blesses His people! I don't know what is it, but I have just felt God's presence around me and my friends in SUCH an abundance these past couple days that it is positively inexplainable...

To give a little background, for the past few months, I've been really doubting different aspects of my faith. Not my faith as a whole [although, doubting in my faith, even in small ways can be considered doubting completely], but nooks and crannies of it that I just have felt like have been prayed about and prayed about some more with no answers and no peace. But my great friend Danielle came and visited this week, and I don't know what happened, but God in His perfect timing just answered so many of my prayers. I truly haven't felt this close to the Lord's arms in an incredibly long time. I am just in absolute awe of how He puts situations, people, and answers to prayer in our lives at JUST the right time. In HIS perfect timing. I truly can't believe I ever doubted Him..! I suppose it's because I'm human, but I just am so overwhelmed by the way it feels to be so close to God's heart and will for my life.

Good Friday and Easter were huge eye-openers for me. Danielle, Kat and I watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday after the service we went to, and I'd never seen it before. I absolutely wept through the entire movie. I found myself saying "Stop!" aloud so, so many times... Seeing, rather than just reading out of my bible or hearing it spoken, what they did to my precious Jesus... It was just an absolutely horrifying, yet humbling experience. More than anything though, that movie made me desire so much more to share the love of Christ with the people around me who don't know Him; My mom, my dad, my Grandma, my brother... What would they think if they saw what Jesus went through to prove His love for them? If they could not only hear or read, but see the sacrifice God made for them so that they may have a relationship with our perfect Lord... What a thought...

I just pray that one day God provides the perfect moment, circumstance and time for me to fully share His will and story with them... That I could be a light for Him so that they may experience the same love and closeness that I feel to His heart. And I trust that in HIS timing, these situations will arise.


"From the Inside Out" -Hillsong.
Romans 10:13