It is 1:46 AM, and all I can do right now is cry.
I am, at this moment, feeling more alone, profoundly broken, and deeply wounded than I have ever felt. After months and months away from this little blog of mine, I cannot help but bring my burden here. I did, after all, create this blog so that in times where all I do is think, I could go ahead and write my thoughts down.
All my life, I've been optimistic. I'm always the one who sees the good in people; gives them the benefit of the doubt. Even when I see a wrongdoing happen to someone who deserves it, I think "Oh NO! That poor person!" I can't help it! It is a part of me, it's who I am. So when a few people in my life who matter the most said some pretty rotten things in reference to me as a human being, I broke. I'm talkin' beaten down, torn apart, down-for-the-count broke. After some careful counseling on the part of one of my best friends, I was assured that none of this was prompted by me, and none of this was the result of any of my own doings, but instead, a ridiculous outburst brought on, most likely, to hurt someone else through me. I know, I know, sounds like a lot of confusing he-said, she-said, but the point of stating all that nonsense was to prove that, although none of what happened was my fault, I still feel guilty, and I still feel hurt, because I ALWAYS see the good in people. ALWAYS. I could watch someone start a fire and see them laugh about it, but if for some reason they were burned, I would feel AWFUL, and feel like they didn't deserve it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Fortunately, everyone else involved in this blessed situation is going on with their lives, pretending like nothing happened, sweeping the issue under the rug. Me? I'm left here to dwell on my own self-ridicule and rot [can you sense my sarcasm?]. Hence, it is now 2:14, and I am still sitting here, alone, crying.
This issue for me is of [literally] life-changing proportions. I am forced, because of all of this drama, to choose between fending for myself and finding somewhere - more specifically, some room, in some house - in California [my favorite place! ... Not] to reside in, and toting my life - seriously, my life; everything I've gathered over the past three years to survive with - back to Washington. Oh, did I mention the love of my life lives here in California? Yeah, no big deal. Just throw THAT monkey wrench into the mix, and now I've got one heck of a delightful decision to make. How on EARTH can I be sitting here [on a friends' couch, mind you], knowing full well that none of this is my fault, feeling guilty, depressed and still broken?
I suppose my answer comes in the idea that I want to be in control of my life. I'm wondering why I'm hurting, I'm wondering why I'm broken, I'M wondering what I'M going to do with MY life. I, I, I, me, me, me; is this how Jesus calls us to be [Ha. I made a little rhyme!]? Selfish-minded individuals who only worry about our own problems? Definitely. Not. We are called to be like Christ, to have a mind like Christ [1 Corinthians 2:16]. In my struggle, in fact, I am reminded that in God's mysterious plan, through Christ, I am to be "encouraged and knit together by the strong ties of love" - Christ's love, the physical love of people around me, and the love I have for my awesome God - giving me "complete confidence" [Colossians 2:2] in God's plan for me, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" [Jeremiah 29:11]. I need to be falling flat on my face at the foot of the throne, begging God to forgive me for taking the reigns on my own, and to take hold of them FOR me. I'm broken, I'm depressed, and I feel guilty BECAUSE I'm doing this by myself. I need Christ to strengthen me in all that I do, without it, I WILL fail.
So, I guess all of this writing has been rather therapeutic after all. I'm reminding myself of all of the things I know to be true. God's gonna work this one out, and my only hope is that through all of this mess, I bring him glory. I can't harbor bitterness in my heart, because that does no one any good, especially me in my walk with Jesus. I can only hold out hope [look at that, my favorite word!] that God is GOING to work this one out. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed" [Psalm 34:18]. Seems a little cliche to me to post this verse, but after all of this talk of brokenness and destruction, go figure, it popped into my head and I deemed it necessary to share. I can do this, but only if I allow Christ to work for HIS glory through my strength - in consistently seeking the best in people - and through my weakness - in trusting that He WILL pull me through this, and I'll be a better person for it on the other side.
For now, I'll pray, and I'm certain God will reveal to me his plan for this next gigantic step in my life. I can do this. WE can do this. Me and God...
I'm so corny...
"Love Never Fails" -Brandon Heath.
Jeremiah 29:11
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"Love takes hostages, gives them pain; gives someone the power to hurt you again and again."
Ephesians 4:26- "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." 4:29- "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 4:31-32- "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you."
The past few months or so, I have been so filled and joyful in the Holy Spirit and in the constant blessings of the Lord. So assured in His goodness and in His plan that I haven't even had time to be upset or irritated. I've let things roll off my back and done everything I can to keep myself at His feet, surrendered to His will. But the above verses depict exactly the struggle I've been under the past few days in my relationship with people, and therefore with the Lord.
Over Mini Tour for UCO, one of my close friends did something that severely upset and angered me. Not only did I walk away fuming and say something I didn't mean to a mutual friend of ours, but I let the sun go down on my anger, and let it fester for days. I never spoke with him about it, I just acted bitterly toward him and acted as if our friendship didn't matter to me- completely cold, completely shut off, put up a wall between us that is never something the two of us have dealt with. I think it was through this instance that my downfall these past few days began. I suddenly [or maybe not so suddenly, I don't know] feel lonely, like the Lord is no longer my center... It's interesting to find myself here in this place. I've spent so long doing all I can to bring God to my absolute center, and to rid myself of so many things that will ultimately keep me there, and one sinful act- one act of rage and frustration makes everything crash. Even though I forgave and apologized to my friend, I still feel this lingering discontent, and a loneliness that I haven't experienced in quite sometime because the Lord feels so absent from my heart right now.
I had a conversation with Miss Kelly's mom over the weekend we were blessed to spend at her house about how being left out is hands down the absolute worst feeling in the world. I'm pretty sure I'd have to agree with that statement. And in feeling lonely, I also feel left out... Isn't that odd? I feel so disconnected from people and from my relationships that I begin to feel left out. And in the last few weeks of school, I truly don't want to feel that at all. I mean, honestly I never want to be so far from the Lord that I feel alone.
So in the coming days, my goal is to be entirely immersed in the Word. In the times when I feel alone, or when my friends don't invite me to things and I actually am left out and alone, I will draw near to my God. Because for all I know, He's preparing these situations and pulling my friends away from me so that I may bring myself closer to Him! In fact, that's probably the more likely circumstance.
God, I hope and pray that I remain committed to this goal and that You would come closer to this broken heart. God, I know that you are more than able to make this a reality and I pray that you would just be evident in my life as you have been in the past. Amen.
"Love is Hard" -James Morrison.
Ephesians 4
The past few months or so, I have been so filled and joyful in the Holy Spirit and in the constant blessings of the Lord. So assured in His goodness and in His plan that I haven't even had time to be upset or irritated. I've let things roll off my back and done everything I can to keep myself at His feet, surrendered to His will. But the above verses depict exactly the struggle I've been under the past few days in my relationship with people, and therefore with the Lord.
Over Mini Tour for UCO, one of my close friends did something that severely upset and angered me. Not only did I walk away fuming and say something I didn't mean to a mutual friend of ours, but I let the sun go down on my anger, and let it fester for days. I never spoke with him about it, I just acted bitterly toward him and acted as if our friendship didn't matter to me- completely cold, completely shut off, put up a wall between us that is never something the two of us have dealt with. I think it was through this instance that my downfall these past few days began. I suddenly [or maybe not so suddenly, I don't know] feel lonely, like the Lord is no longer my center... It's interesting to find myself here in this place. I've spent so long doing all I can to bring God to my absolute center, and to rid myself of so many things that will ultimately keep me there, and one sinful act- one act of rage and frustration makes everything crash. Even though I forgave and apologized to my friend, I still feel this lingering discontent, and a loneliness that I haven't experienced in quite sometime because the Lord feels so absent from my heart right now.
I had a conversation with Miss Kelly's mom over the weekend we were blessed to spend at her house about how being left out is hands down the absolute worst feeling in the world. I'm pretty sure I'd have to agree with that statement. And in feeling lonely, I also feel left out... Isn't that odd? I feel so disconnected from people and from my relationships that I begin to feel left out. And in the last few weeks of school, I truly don't want to feel that at all. I mean, honestly I never want to be so far from the Lord that I feel alone.
So in the coming days, my goal is to be entirely immersed in the Word. In the times when I feel alone, or when my friends don't invite me to things and I actually am left out and alone, I will draw near to my God. Because for all I know, He's preparing these situations and pulling my friends away from me so that I may bring myself closer to Him! In fact, that's probably the more likely circumstance.
God, I hope and pray that I remain committed to this goal and that You would come closer to this broken heart. God, I know that you are more than able to make this a reality and I pray that you would just be evident in my life as you have been in the past. Amen.
"Love is Hard" -James Morrison.
Ephesians 4
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
"Each and every time I turn around to leave, I feel my heart begin to burst."
Praise the Lord for change, and in particular, for changes of the heart.
In the past two days I've had two moments where I would have normally expected myself to react differently. One of them being a run-in with my ex-boyfriend. Normally, awkward tension or happenings end up throwing me for a loop; I overanalyze and overthink every word said. I wonder what I could have done differently. I sit and think about if THIS conversation is going to end up bringing us back together, if he's thinking the same things I am. I let little, tiny events fester until they absolutely explode in my brain until I end up unloading on someone close to me about it. On top of that, I had a dear friend of mine come and tell me that she needed to apologize for a few things said about me behind my back. My first instinct was to get defensive; to get upset with her, to blow up, to cry hysterically. But in both instances, none of my first "instincts" took over. I walked away from both events feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and peace- an understanding that I've never before felt. I laughed about the first awkward moment with said ex-boyfriend, and I hugged it out with my best friend and told her that I understood and forgave her; in both circumstances, no hard feelings, no awkward tension, no nothing!
I can't help but blame all of that on the Lord. It's so funny, for the past week I've been praying that the Lord give me a tender heart, because I've felt like it's just been hardened by recent events. And then, God proves his goodness not one, but two times in two days. I mean, He proves it ALL the time, but especially through these two experiences He's really worked through me, and I'm thankful that I am able to realize that and not take for granted the constant work that He's doing in my heart. It is amazing to be able to pour out His love on others when He is so abundantly pouring it out on us, is it not?!
"Melt My Heart to Stone" -Adele.
Hosea 6:1-3
In the past two days I've had two moments where I would have normally expected myself to react differently. One of them being a run-in with my ex-boyfriend. Normally, awkward tension or happenings end up throwing me for a loop; I overanalyze and overthink every word said. I wonder what I could have done differently. I sit and think about if THIS conversation is going to end up bringing us back together, if he's thinking the same things I am. I let little, tiny events fester until they absolutely explode in my brain until I end up unloading on someone close to me about it. On top of that, I had a dear friend of mine come and tell me that she needed to apologize for a few things said about me behind my back. My first instinct was to get defensive; to get upset with her, to blow up, to cry hysterically. But in both instances, none of my first "instincts" took over. I walked away from both events feeling an overwhelming sense of calm and peace- an understanding that I've never before felt. I laughed about the first awkward moment with said ex-boyfriend, and I hugged it out with my best friend and told her that I understood and forgave her; in both circumstances, no hard feelings, no awkward tension, no nothing!
I can't help but blame all of that on the Lord. It's so funny, for the past week I've been praying that the Lord give me a tender heart, because I've felt like it's just been hardened by recent events. And then, God proves his goodness not one, but two times in two days. I mean, He proves it ALL the time, but especially through these two experiences He's really worked through me, and I'm thankful that I am able to realize that and not take for granted the constant work that He's doing in my heart. It is amazing to be able to pour out His love on others when He is so abundantly pouring it out on us, is it not?!
"Melt My Heart to Stone" -Adele.
Hosea 6:1-3
Thursday, April 1, 2010
"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades."
Holy cow. I am positive that my heart has not been this full in at least two years.
I am so incredibly amazed at the way the Lord blesses His people! I don't know what is it, but I have just felt God's presence around me and my friends in SUCH an abundance these past couple days that it is positively inexplainable...
To give a little background, for the past few months, I've been really doubting different aspects of my faith. Not my faith as a whole [although, doubting in my faith, even in small ways can be considered doubting completely], but nooks and crannies of it that I just have felt like have been prayed about and prayed about some more with no answers and no peace. But my great friend Danielle came and visited this week, and I don't know what happened, but God in His perfect timing just answered so many of my prayers. I truly haven't felt this close to the Lord's arms in an incredibly long time. I am just in absolute awe of how He puts situations, people, and answers to prayer in our lives at JUST the right time. In HIS perfect timing. I truly can't believe I ever doubted Him..! I suppose it's because I'm human, but I just am so overwhelmed by the way it feels to be so close to God's heart and will for my life.
Good Friday and Easter were huge eye-openers for me. Danielle, Kat and I watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday after the service we went to, and I'd never seen it before. I absolutely wept through the entire movie. I found myself saying "Stop!" aloud so, so many times... Seeing, rather than just reading out of my bible or hearing it spoken, what they did to my precious Jesus... It was just an absolutely horrifying, yet humbling experience. More than anything though, that movie made me desire so much more to share the love of Christ with the people around me who don't know Him; My mom, my dad, my Grandma, my brother... What would they think if they saw what Jesus went through to prove His love for them? If they could not only hear or read, but see the sacrifice God made for them so that they may have a relationship with our perfect Lord... What a thought...
I just pray that one day God provides the perfect moment, circumstance and time for me to fully share His will and story with them... That I could be a light for Him so that they may experience the same love and closeness that I feel to His heart. And I trust that in HIS timing, these situations will arise.
"From the Inside Out" -Hillsong.
Romans 10:13
I am so incredibly amazed at the way the Lord blesses His people! I don't know what is it, but I have just felt God's presence around me and my friends in SUCH an abundance these past couple days that it is positively inexplainable...
To give a little background, for the past few months, I've been really doubting different aspects of my faith. Not my faith as a whole [although, doubting in my faith, even in small ways can be considered doubting completely], but nooks and crannies of it that I just have felt like have been prayed about and prayed about some more with no answers and no peace. But my great friend Danielle came and visited this week, and I don't know what happened, but God in His perfect timing just answered so many of my prayers. I truly haven't felt this close to the Lord's arms in an incredibly long time. I am just in absolute awe of how He puts situations, people, and answers to prayer in our lives at JUST the right time. In HIS perfect timing. I truly can't believe I ever doubted Him..! I suppose it's because I'm human, but I just am so overwhelmed by the way it feels to be so close to God's heart and will for my life.
Good Friday and Easter were huge eye-openers for me. Danielle, Kat and I watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday after the service we went to, and I'd never seen it before. I absolutely wept through the entire movie. I found myself saying "Stop!" aloud so, so many times... Seeing, rather than just reading out of my bible or hearing it spoken, what they did to my precious Jesus... It was just an absolutely horrifying, yet humbling experience. More than anything though, that movie made me desire so much more to share the love of Christ with the people around me who don't know Him; My mom, my dad, my Grandma, my brother... What would they think if they saw what Jesus went through to prove His love for them? If they could not only hear or read, but see the sacrifice God made for them so that they may have a relationship with our perfect Lord... What a thought...
I just pray that one day God provides the perfect moment, circumstance and time for me to fully share His will and story with them... That I could be a light for Him so that they may experience the same love and closeness that I feel to His heart. And I trust that in HIS timing, these situations will arise.
"From the Inside Out" -Hillsong.
Romans 10:13
Saturday, March 27, 2010
"Oh, to see my name written in the wounds, for through Your suffering, I am free.
Right now, it's 2:34 AM and my eyelids are extremely heavy. My eyes are watering, and I'm practically yawning my face off, but I am absolutely restless, so I figured I'd share a quick [or maybe not so quick] thought.
Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean, does the Lord truly put every single little thing that happens in our lives there for one reason or another? My friends would say yes. My bible says yes. But I wonder. I mean, in the smallest sense of this situation possible, does every text message I get from someone REALLY matter? I mean, how does the Lord have control over that? I fully believe and trust that He has control over my life; over His plan for me. But the little things... The ones that grate on someone and that never seem to fully resolve themselves, even with prayer... Where does all of that fit into the "everything happens for God's reason" way of life?
I suppose this is all coming from a few conversations I've had with one choice person in my life within the past few months. These particular conversations have left me completely confused and lost, and through nearly four months of praying about it, I feel like I'm still hanging out at square one. I've heard it said a thousand times in my three-year walk with God now; "You may not see the reasoning for everything He does til YEARS down the road!"... Which is fine. I can deal with that. I guess I just hate the guessing game. I hate the not-knowing, hurting, completely-lost-out-of-your-mind game.
Through writing this [ah, yes; the beauty of writing down your thoughts!], I am realizing that perhaps the chaos God is putting in my life is just one of His ways of teaching me to draw closer to Him always. Perhaps it's a lesson in trust? To trust that He is sovereign, and that His reasoning for things rarely lines up with the ways I believe issues in my life should be reasoned with. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that yes, He DOES have control over every little sideways glance, or awkward conversation, or even every little miniscule text message. Hmm... My mind is beginning to tire now...
I guess I have no idea how to end this except to say that I have learned a lesson tonight- God works in SO many ways, and through SO many different situations. He is constantly working... Perhaps tonight is the first time I've begun to grasp that idea. And for that, I praise Him.
"The Power of the Cross." -UCO.
Psalm 9:10
Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean, does the Lord truly put every single little thing that happens in our lives there for one reason or another? My friends would say yes. My bible says yes. But I wonder. I mean, in the smallest sense of this situation possible, does every text message I get from someone REALLY matter? I mean, how does the Lord have control over that? I fully believe and trust that He has control over my life; over His plan for me. But the little things... The ones that grate on someone and that never seem to fully resolve themselves, even with prayer... Where does all of that fit into the "everything happens for God's reason" way of life?
I suppose this is all coming from a few conversations I've had with one choice person in my life within the past few months. These particular conversations have left me completely confused and lost, and through nearly four months of praying about it, I feel like I'm still hanging out at square one. I've heard it said a thousand times in my three-year walk with God now; "You may not see the reasoning for everything He does til YEARS down the road!"... Which is fine. I can deal with that. I guess I just hate the guessing game. I hate the not-knowing, hurting, completely-lost-out-of-your-mind game.
Through writing this [ah, yes; the beauty of writing down your thoughts!], I am realizing that perhaps the chaos God is putting in my life is just one of His ways of teaching me to draw closer to Him always. Perhaps it's a lesson in trust? To trust that He is sovereign, and that His reasoning for things rarely lines up with the ways I believe issues in my life should be reasoned with. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that yes, He DOES have control over every little sideways glance, or awkward conversation, or even every little miniscule text message. Hmm... My mind is beginning to tire now...
I guess I have no idea how to end this except to say that I have learned a lesson tonight- God works in SO many ways, and through SO many different situations. He is constantly working... Perhaps tonight is the first time I've begun to grasp that idea. And for that, I praise Him.
"The Power of the Cross." -UCO.
Psalm 9:10
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"He is my light, my strength, my song."
Ah, yes. Back in California for the rest of the semester, and for the first time since I started school here, I have mixed feelings about it. Break ended up being amazing; the Lord is SO faithful when we express our frustrations and hurt to him. He just takes the most dreary situations and makes them opportunities to bless and revel in who He is... What an incredible God we serve!
On my flight home, I began thinking about how quickly relationships with people can begin and end. The thought entered my mind as I sat on the plane back to Seattle for break reading The Shack. For those of you who don't know, it's a fictional book detailing the story of a man whose young daughter is murdered, and how that affects incredibly negatively his relationship with the Lord. The story then leads him to the shack where his daughter was killed, and there the Lord reveals Himself to Mack [the main character]. So far, it's been an amazing read and I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, the woman sitting next to me politely asked me how I was enjoying it, and I told her that I was having trouble keeping from crying, in all honesty. The author breaks down so many of the inhibitions and "rules" that Christians put on God, and I told her that I was being blessed by it so much. From there, she asked me about my life- if Seattle was home, or if California was home, about school, about choir. She, in essence, learned a ton about me and who I am in a two hour flight. In turn, she told me about herself, she actually goes to church in Corona, loves the Lord, and went to a private Christian college as well. But upon walking off the plane, I realized that I never even learned her name.
On the way back to California after break, I was sitting in my aisle seat, and the man sitting in the window seat looked past the middle person and asked me how I was enjoying the very same book. We had a short conversation about it, and even chatted about how the author wrote- the man suggested I download the iTunes version, because there's a short spoken portion at the end from the author himself, and he said it was fascinating to hear the man behind the story talk about it. But both times the beverage cart rolled by, the man ordered himself a scotch on the rocks, and then went back to his laptop... The woman behind me asked me a similar question about the book, and again, I never learned either of their names.
Thinking back to the conversations I had, I realize was blessed to have gotten to sit by two Christians and openly speak about the Lord. But I began to wonder; am I constantly striving to be a light? What if I hadn't gotten to sit by followers of Christ and had the person next to me ask me about the book? How would I have reacted to speaking God's perfect name in front of a non-believer? Would I have accepted the challenge and openly expressed the story's plot line, or sunken back into my comfort zone? And then I wondered; are my actions always those that reflect that of a follower of Christ? I mentioned that the man sitting next to me decided to have a few drinks on the flight, yet proclaimed the name of the Lord... Is that contradictory? Does that not give off the vibe to non-Christians that we, as a group of believers, can be hypocritical? I guess more than anything, I've begun to understand the importance of being a light, and the importance of continually striving toward that. There are so many ways and opportunities to relay the message of the Lord- one of the professors here says often;
"Profess the gospel always; if necessary, use words."
What a thought! From here on out, I pray that God begins to teach me to be a light- that everywhere I go I would exude His love and that I would be put on this earth to serve Him and be a blessing. That I would be consecrated- set apart- from the darkness of this world. Praise GOD that He has given himself to us, that He may live in us, and we in Him!
"In Christ Alone" -Anthony Evans.
Matthew 5:16
On my flight home, I began thinking about how quickly relationships with people can begin and end. The thought entered my mind as I sat on the plane back to Seattle for break reading The Shack. For those of you who don't know, it's a fictional book detailing the story of a man whose young daughter is murdered, and how that affects incredibly negatively his relationship with the Lord. The story then leads him to the shack where his daughter was killed, and there the Lord reveals Himself to Mack [the main character]. So far, it's been an amazing read and I'm really enjoying it. Anyway, the woman sitting next to me politely asked me how I was enjoying it, and I told her that I was having trouble keeping from crying, in all honesty. The author breaks down so many of the inhibitions and "rules" that Christians put on God, and I told her that I was being blessed by it so much. From there, she asked me about my life- if Seattle was home, or if California was home, about school, about choir. She, in essence, learned a ton about me and who I am in a two hour flight. In turn, she told me about herself, she actually goes to church in Corona, loves the Lord, and went to a private Christian college as well. But upon walking off the plane, I realized that I never even learned her name.
On the way back to California after break, I was sitting in my aisle seat, and the man sitting in the window seat looked past the middle person and asked me how I was enjoying the very same book. We had a short conversation about it, and even chatted about how the author wrote- the man suggested I download the iTunes version, because there's a short spoken portion at the end from the author himself, and he said it was fascinating to hear the man behind the story talk about it. But both times the beverage cart rolled by, the man ordered himself a scotch on the rocks, and then went back to his laptop... The woman behind me asked me a similar question about the book, and again, I never learned either of their names.
Thinking back to the conversations I had, I realize was blessed to have gotten to sit by two Christians and openly speak about the Lord. But I began to wonder; am I constantly striving to be a light? What if I hadn't gotten to sit by followers of Christ and had the person next to me ask me about the book? How would I have reacted to speaking God's perfect name in front of a non-believer? Would I have accepted the challenge and openly expressed the story's plot line, or sunken back into my comfort zone? And then I wondered; are my actions always those that reflect that of a follower of Christ? I mentioned that the man sitting next to me decided to have a few drinks on the flight, yet proclaimed the name of the Lord... Is that contradictory? Does that not give off the vibe to non-Christians that we, as a group of believers, can be hypocritical? I guess more than anything, I've begun to understand the importance of being a light, and the importance of continually striving toward that. There are so many ways and opportunities to relay the message of the Lord- one of the professors here says often;
"Profess the gospel always; if necessary, use words."
What a thought! From here on out, I pray that God begins to teach me to be a light- that everywhere I go I would exude His love and that I would be put on this earth to serve Him and be a blessing. That I would be consecrated- set apart- from the darkness of this world. Praise GOD that He has given himself to us, that He may live in us, and we in Him!
"In Christ Alone" -Anthony Evans.
Matthew 5:16
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
"A moment, a love. A dream, a laugh. A kiss, a cry."
Oh, home.
Ha. I'm not even sure how to begin writing on this topic. This place is such a dichotomy of feeling and emotion the entire time I spend here. I am in love with the majority of my family. My sister, brother and I grow closer with every single minute spent together. My nieces and nephews absolutely bring me more sincere happiness than I can ever truly imagine. My grandma is one of my all-time favorite people; she's pretty much me, but like, fifty years older. And to top it all off, my aunt is visiting from India. I have so many things to see joy in. So much to revel in and enjoy, and yet I find myself discouraged the remainder of the time.
My parents, though both people that I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life, are tough to deal with. My mom and I don't have anything resembling a "normal" mother/daughter relationship. Which is fine. I've truly come to terms with it. But it does begin to get a little wearing after a few days of the same thing. My dad, on the other hand, tends to not even bother. He just doesn't bother to even try spending time with me. Which, again, is fine. I promise it is. I've learned from all of this over the years that the relationship I have with my parents will be absolutely nothing like the one I have with my own children. And some part of me believes that, even though I don't have examples of good parenting in my own parents themselves, I've learned more out of that than I would have if I'd gotten the ideal parental units.
Most importantly, however, I've learned especially this break, the importance of relying entirely on the Lord for everything. It's something I've struggled with in my walk with Him because in all honesty, I've never had anyone to rely on before I knew the Lord. I relied on myself, I dealt with my problems on my own, I kept everything inside and I swallowed it into absolutely nothingness until it "went away". I never got a lesson on trusting God with everything. I'd only ever trusted myself. It has only been this past year that I have fully understood what it means to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. What a blessing that is! To KNOW that the God of the universe wants to deal with my problems, and not leave me alone to deal with them on my own! This probably sounds redundant to those of you who read this, but God's peace and the understanding that HIS path is the ONLY path has beyond blessed me so far this week. And what a thought; our trust in the Lord goes hand-in-hand with His path for us, which, if we are constantly striving to follow, gives us ultimate and unwaivering peace; that which passes all understanding.
Thank you, amazing Lord, for your provision and for your incredible and perfect paths for each and every one of your children. For peace. For patience and love that pours out on us all the time, which in turn gives us the ability to love those around us, even when it seems impossible. And God, thank you for home. For the way that you stretch me when I'm here, but also for the way that you comfort me in the understanding of your perfect plan. Amen, amen, amen!
"Sweet Disposition" -The Temper Trap.
Philippians 4:7
Ha. I'm not even sure how to begin writing on this topic. This place is such a dichotomy of feeling and emotion the entire time I spend here. I am in love with the majority of my family. My sister, brother and I grow closer with every single minute spent together. My nieces and nephews absolutely bring me more sincere happiness than I can ever truly imagine. My grandma is one of my all-time favorite people; she's pretty much me, but like, fifty years older. And to top it all off, my aunt is visiting from India. I have so many things to see joy in. So much to revel in and enjoy, and yet I find myself discouraged the remainder of the time.
My parents, though both people that I will love unconditionally for the rest of my life, are tough to deal with. My mom and I don't have anything resembling a "normal" mother/daughter relationship. Which is fine. I've truly come to terms with it. But it does begin to get a little wearing after a few days of the same thing. My dad, on the other hand, tends to not even bother. He just doesn't bother to even try spending time with me. Which, again, is fine. I promise it is. I've learned from all of this over the years that the relationship I have with my parents will be absolutely nothing like the one I have with my own children. And some part of me believes that, even though I don't have examples of good parenting in my own parents themselves, I've learned more out of that than I would have if I'd gotten the ideal parental units.
Most importantly, however, I've learned especially this break, the importance of relying entirely on the Lord for everything. It's something I've struggled with in my walk with Him because in all honesty, I've never had anyone to rely on before I knew the Lord. I relied on myself, I dealt with my problems on my own, I kept everything inside and I swallowed it into absolutely nothingness until it "went away". I never got a lesson on trusting God with everything. I'd only ever trusted myself. It has only been this past year that I have fully understood what it means to trust in the Lord with all of my heart. What a blessing that is! To KNOW that the God of the universe wants to deal with my problems, and not leave me alone to deal with them on my own! This probably sounds redundant to those of you who read this, but God's peace and the understanding that HIS path is the ONLY path has beyond blessed me so far this week. And what a thought; our trust in the Lord goes hand-in-hand with His path for us, which, if we are constantly striving to follow, gives us ultimate and unwaivering peace; that which passes all understanding.
Thank you, amazing Lord, for your provision and for your incredible and perfect paths for each and every one of your children. For peace. For patience and love that pours out on us all the time, which in turn gives us the ability to love those around us, even when it seems impossible. And God, thank you for home. For the way that you stretch me when I'm here, but also for the way that you comfort me in the understanding of your perfect plan. Amen, amen, amen!
"Sweet Disposition" -The Temper Trap.
Philippians 4:7
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