"Love will sustain; love always hopes."

It is 1:46 AM, and all I can do right now is cry.
I am, at this moment, feeling more alone, profoundly broken, and deeply wounded than I have ever felt. After months and months away from this little blog of mine, I cannot help but bring my burden here. I did, after all, create this blog so that in times where all I do is think, I could go ahead and write my thoughts down.

All my life, I've been optimistic. I'm always the one who sees the good in people; gives them the benefit of the doubt. Even when I see a wrongdoing happen to someone who deserves it, I think "Oh NO! That poor person!" I can't help it! It is a part of me, it's who I am. So when a few people in my life who matter the most said some pretty rotten things in reference to me as a human being, I broke. I'm talkin' beaten down, torn apart, down-for-the-count broke. After some careful counseling on the part of one of my best friends, I was assured that none of this was prompted by me, and none of this was the result of any of my own doings, but instead, a ridiculous outburst brought on, most likely, to hurt someone else through me. I know, I know, sounds like a lot of confusing he-said, she-said, but the point of stating all that nonsense was to prove that, although none of what happened was my fault, I still feel guilty, and I still feel hurt, because I ALWAYS see the good in people. ALWAYS. I could watch someone start a fire and see them laugh about it, but if for some reason they were burned, I would feel AWFUL, and feel like they didn't deserve it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

Fortunately, everyone else involved in this blessed situation is going on with their lives, pretending like nothing happened, sweeping the issue under the rug. Me? I'm left here to dwell on my own self-ridicule and rot [can you sense my sarcasm?]. Hence, it is now 2:14, and I am still sitting here, alone, crying.

This issue for me is of [literally] life-changing proportions. I am forced, because of all of this drama, to choose between fending for myself and finding somewhere - more specifically, some room, in some house - in California [my favorite place! ... Not] to reside in, and toting my life - seriously, my life; everything I've gathered over the past three years to survive with - back to Washington. Oh, did I mention the love of my life lives here in California? Yeah, no big deal. Just throw THAT monkey wrench into the mix, and now I've got one heck of a delightful decision to make. How on EARTH can I be sitting here [on a friends' couch, mind you], knowing full well that none of this is my fault, feeling guilty, depressed and still broken?

I suppose my answer comes in the idea that I want to be in control of my life. I'm wondering why I'm hurting, I'm wondering why I'm broken, I'M wondering what I'M going to do with MY life. I, I, I, me, me, me; is this how Jesus calls us to be [Ha. I made a little rhyme!]? Selfish-minded individuals who only worry about our own problems? Definitely. Not. We are called to be like Christ, to have a mind like Christ [1 Corinthians 2:16]. In my struggle, in fact, I am reminded that in God's mysterious plan, through Christ, I am to be "encouraged and knit together by the strong ties of love" - Christ's love, the physical love of people around me, and the love I have for my awesome God - giving me "complete confidence" [Colossians 2:2] in God's plan for me, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" [Jeremiah 29:11]. I need to be falling flat on my face at the foot of the throne, begging God to forgive me for taking the reigns on my own, and to take hold of them FOR me. I'm broken, I'm depressed, and I feel guilty BECAUSE I'm doing this by myself. I need Christ to strengthen me in all that I do, without it, I WILL fail.

So, I guess all of this writing has been rather therapeutic after all. I'm reminding myself of all of the things I know to be true. God's gonna work this one out, and my only hope is that through all of this mess, I bring him glory. I can't harbor bitterness in my heart, because that does no one any good, especially me in my walk with Jesus. I can only hold out hope [look at that, my favorite word!] that God is GOING to work this one out. "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed" [Psalm 34:18]. Seems a little cliche to me to post this verse, but after all of this talk of brokenness and destruction, go figure, it popped into my head and I deemed it necessary to share. I can do this, but only if I allow Christ to work for HIS glory through my strength - in consistently seeking the best in people - and through my weakness - in trusting that He WILL pull me through this, and I'll be a better person for it on the other side.

For now, I'll pray, and I'm certain God will reveal to me his plan for this next gigantic step in my life. I can do this. WE can do this. Me and God...

I'm so corny...


"Love Never Fails" -Brandon Heath.
Jeremiah 29:11